#Depression

 Well, I started a YouTube channel back in December. It's one of those things I have been thinking about and finally decided to do -- on top of my many floppy lists of things I want to do.

I thought that it would be an opportunity for me to try out filmmaking but as a journal. And then I realised that it wasn't such a great idea because things began to spiral in my life and all it took for me was to watch back one of the videos and you could totally see that I was depressed. 

I am still depressed but in much better spirits. It's a week before my birthday and I don't know what I wanted or still want. 

I started writing in a book too and that is still going. 

The last couple of months have been vial. I feel down and  I hate it.

Here is an extract from my thoughts from March 2024 when my 'sadness' started to manifest...

I feel tired almost every day. I don’t feel motivated enough. I feel like I am not only letting myself down but letting my dreams down. This mind of mine has thought of some wonderful ideas. Even now, as I type this, I have my eyes closed and imagine myself coming up with the most absurd thing in the world… Yes, I can touch type… it was a skill that I learnt when I was a teen working at a charity and the only computer game I was allowed to play, excluding solitaire, was this game that made you compete against a train to learn how to type. Was it a train? I don’t remember. Anyway, the point is, I always get into my own head, when I close my eyes. And instead of dreaming of willow trees swaying in the wind, whilst the birds fly past, I end up in a dark room – which is not my bright room, in my mind palace.

Like I said, I do not feel as down as that little extract above. The weight has been lifted slightly and feel lighter - no really, I am in a much better place than I was back in March. I promise.

#WriteYouSoon

#OneDress

 Me: Let's not talk about foreigners...

Her: Yeah, let's... not...

(Silence)

Her: What shall we talk about then?

Me: I don't know.

(Silence)

Me: How about the last time you went clothes shopping?

Her: Uhm, yeah, sure. Ok. 

Me: So?

Her: Oh... That question was for me? Right...

Me (smiles in encouragement)

Her: So I went to buy one dress the other day. And -

Me: Just one?

Her: Yeah, just one. Sometimes it's just one that you need. There's nothing wrong with that.

Me: Of course not! Nothing wrong, absolutely.

(Silence)

Her: Anyway, I couldn't decide on the dress, so I -

Me: What was the dress for? I mean, if you're going to buy one dress, then there's a reason -- Sorry, continue...

Her: No particular reason actually. Just thought, well, I deserve a new dress, so why the hell not. I just love a good dress.

Me: Right...

Her: So I went to Oxford Street, looked around, couldn't find anything, so decided to Westfield it. Got to Westfield and --

Me: Which Westfield?

(Silence)

Her: Really? Does it matter?

Me (smiles awkwardly)

#FeelingInspired

 After weeks of contemplation, I believe (not think), that I have figured out exactly what it is that I would like to do as an actor.

I am going to take a minute to write up a plan, well more than two minutes, and I hope that by September, it will be all set and ready to go.

Sometimes you realise that it takes time to find that 'thing'. And with late nights of crying and researching, assessing your life and goals, you are then reminded of why you love doing something so much. The 'happiness moment'. So writing this here is to remind you and me of this moment.

Here we go...

#WriteYouSoon.

#Ongoingbrokeness

Why is the pursuit of my dreams so expensive? 

Whenever I want to start something that's about something I love, I end up broke.

So I feel helpless and then have to revert back to old habits of working endlessly until I have saved up enough and then try again.

Anyway, write me soon.

#ProcessOfStarting

 So, as you may know, I should have started the mokumentary episodes this week, but its been quite a difficult thing to do.

I suppose that I may have a mild case of ADHD, and can't quite concetrate long enough to complete small tasks. I start and then I stop because I am distracted by something else. 

Not sure when, but I'll keep you updated.

Right, onto to trying to complete a course that I started to do months ago.

#WriteYouSoon

#RandomThoughts

 Written 13 Jan 2008.

Sometimes in life, it's good to think about what and where you are going. I know it may sound awkward, but it's healthy to question the principles that have been set out for you. The ideologies, the 'norm'. I mean you don't have to agree with them, but maybe you can listen to them and then meditate on how they affect your life now.

#ShowYourWork

 Alright alright!

So I've been reading this book called 'Show your work' by Austin Kleon, and he talks about how you shouldn't be afraid to show your process and what you are working on. And as I started this blog years ago and then stopped and now started again, I realise that I was afraid of what others would think of it. But I suppose that that only matters if others get to see what you are working on, which no one was.

So here goes nothing. I will be spending the weekend working on a character that I will be bringing to life. She has been nagging at me for some time, but I am excited.

You will find Patrishe on my Instagram page next week and then over the following weeks.

Write you soon.